I hate myself. It is not what it sounds like. A video on YouTube by Boyinaband of the same title as this post expressed certain fears and insecurities that Dave was experiencing. This talented intellectual musician struck up the courage to announce to the world what he was going through in order to keep himself accountable and genuine. I will now attempt to do the same. Would someone ask me if I struggled with self-image issues or insecurities of that nature, I would not admit to it — not because I am in denial but for the reason that to simply say yes would not nearly encapsulate the reality of my situation. The truth is that I love myself too much to love myself at all. The definition of love that I have for myself is governed by my desires, lust and selfishness. However, what I want is so often not what is best for me. My choices and actions may bring me transient gratification, but are often detrimental to my health: physically, emotionally and foremost spiritually. I deny the indelible fulfillment of my wants and needs that only God can provide. What He has for me and is to me is not simply better; it is the only solution in existence. The disparity between my knowledge of this panacea and my self-gratifying decisions leads to a cascade of implications. Not only do I devalue the gift of God, I refuse to accept His value for me. It is not possible to attain a higher level of value than what God attributes to us. But as soon as I separate myself from Him, I assume a lesser view of myself, though I may think it better. This very act is hatred towards myself as I denounce the value God has placed on me and withhold the blessings He chooses to give me. My love for others and for myself can only mature in relation to my love for God and acceptance of His love for me.

Leave a Reply